forum.ww1aircraftmodels.com
Modelers Lounge => Time to relax => Topic started by: Des on May 20, 2014, 03:24:45 PM
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Subject: AVIATION HUMOUR
Actual exchanges between pilots and control towers
Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o’clock, 6 miles!"
Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"
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Tower: "TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 degrees."
TWA 2341: "Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"
Tower: "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"
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O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o’clock, three miles, Eastbound."
United 329: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this...
I've got the little Fokker in sight."
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A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked:
"What was your last known position?"
Student: "When I was number one for takeoff."
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A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down.
San Jose Tower Noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadeloupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."
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A Pan Am 727 flight, waiting for start clearance in Munich, overheard the following:
Lufthansa (in German):”Ground, what is our start clearance time?"
Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English."
Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?"
Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent):
"Because you lost the bloody war!"
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Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency 124.7"
Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way, after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway."
Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?"
BR Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern... we've already notified our caterers."
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One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said:
"What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?"
The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger:
"I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I'll have enough parts for another one."
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The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airway 747, call sign Speedbird 206.
Speedbird 206:”Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway."
Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."
The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.
Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"
Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now.”!
Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?"
Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, -- And I didn't land."
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While taxiing at London 's Gatwick Airport , the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727. An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming:
"US Air 2771, where the hell are you going? I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!"
Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically:
"God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour, and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?"
"Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded.
Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high. Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking:
"Wasn't I married to you once?"
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Proof that a quick wit is often the best foil....
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Thanks, Des! What a great way to start the day!
Cheers,
Bud
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Very good, I enjoyed those. I read a similar list a while ago - the only ones I can remember at the mo' are between Pilots and mechanics, with Pilots leaving concerns on aircraft log................
Pilot ... Aircraft yaws at cruising speed. Mech' ... Aircraft told to "straighten up and fly right"!
Pilot ... Port engine missing. Mech' Engine found - on port wing.
There was several more but I can't remember them now.
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Just for you Andi;
P=Pilot
S=Mechanics Solution
P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're for.
P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.
P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
And the best one for last.
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.
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That's the ones - and still they make me smile. I'm sorry I mangled them, but it was close enough to bring the originals out of hiding - thanks for posting.
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Thanks Des and Justin. I liked both posts very much and made me laugh out loud. Things to remember.
I'm not active in aviation myself, but in navigation and you might expect that there are similar things going on there. You may have seen those before.
Navigation error:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NZ_FOmMqXfE
This one belongs also to the topic on use of a common language and nice misunderstandings. See a VTS communicating with navigation:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yR0lWICH3rY&list=RDyR0lWICH3rY#t=2
In line with the previous one:
VTS trying to confirm the position of a vessel in the channel.
VTS: Can you give me your position?
Ship: Yes, I'm the captain
VTS, No, I mean: where are you?
Ship: I'm on the bridge
And of course, this can go on forever.
It may sound unlikely, but things like this do happen all the time.
regards,
Ivo
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;D ;D Good ones, guys!
Cheers,
Ernie :)
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I heard this when I was part of a combat flight sim team on the game IL2 during a training flight.
"leader, we have bogeys 3 o'clock high"
"OK we're on 280, now making a 90° turn. Heading 3-7-0, go!"
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I was looking for this one too. I had seen these two conversations with an SR71:
https://www.strategypage.com/humor/articles/funny_flight_stories.asp
regards,
Ivo
By the way I was sitting in a flight from Amsterdam to Vienna last february when the pilot announced on the taxi way that there would be some delay. A warning light was illuminated and with the warning light on he wasn't allowed to depart. So we stood there waiting and then the pilot announced that a mechanic was ordered. After an hour the pilot came with the next message that the warning light was repaired, it was now off and therefore we could depart.
Well, somehow those aren't very comforting messages. I assume that an indication in the cockpit has a meaning, not an indication that the light should be repaired. So I filed a complaint explaining that the information should be more accurate and not like this. I was just thanked for the complaint and they left it at that.
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My own personal aviation funny (which wasn't funny at the time!).
I was on a school trip to Romania (A few…..years ago!!!!) to help with an orphanage for 5 days. 20 kids and a couple of teachers boarded the return flight to Heathrow on the Romanian airliner (we flew out with BA). We pushed off and taxied to the start of the runway. Engines steadily revved up then down, then up, then down, this went on for a few minutes without leaving the start of the runway. Suddenly we started moving, but very slowly and turned off to taxi back to the terminal at which point the first officer came on the intercom to the passengers;
(In heavily accented in English)
"Good afternoon ladies and gentleman, this is the first officer, the Captain is concerned about the state of the engines, so we are taxiing back to the terminal to replace the Captain!"
What a white knuckle ride all the way to heathrow. But idid have the girl I fancied sitting next to me squeezing my hand to death for the whole trip!
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Great stuff.I had a trial flying lesson the other day out of Coventry airport.Whilst waiting for the tower to clear us for take off,the instructor asked me to study the instrument panel.Just as he increased power and released the brakes,I noticed with some trepidation and alarm,a little red button stating,'Do not push this button unless all else fails'!Gawd,I nearly freaked,until I heard the guy laughing.Man,pilot humour,I shall have to think of a way to get my own back on him,revenge is best served cold.All good in the end though.As we were coming round for finals,a Spitfire,yes,a Spitfire was turning on our starboard side to follow us into the landing pattern.
Dave(now know as Biggles!Lol!)